Has Mike Vrabel Already Cut His Manhood Off? An Investigation

The first two weeks of the NFL playoffs have served as a stark reminder that, of the 32 NFL teams, about 24 of them are only a few strokes of luck away from being in the thick of it.

Yes, some are catastrophically bad, and aren't worth saving. But the vast majority are teams somewhere around 8-8 that are propelled either forwards or backwards by a few key sliding doors moments. For instance, would the 9-7 Tennessee Titans be in the AFC Championship Game if their head coach, Mike Vrabel, hadn't declared in late July that he'd be willing to hack his penis off for a Super Bowl shot?

This quote, now famed, is often being reported inaccurately. No, Vrabel didn't vow to slice his member off after winning the big one as some sort of penance for making the rest of us watch the Titans for an extra month. He simply said he'd be willing to lose the appendage if it meant his team would later take home the NFL's biggest honor. And with Tennessee now just two wins away from capturing exactly that, somehow led on a magical run by a version of Derrick Henry that's only getting stronger with overuse, I think it's fair to ask: has the gruesome act of self-mutilation already taken place? Is Vrabel currently coaching freely, sans schlong? Are we all currently witnessing the whims of a Faustian bargain? Are the playoffs over? In this essay, I will investigate.

Exhibit A: The Confidence

Anyone who's watched a 2019 Titans playoff game, both on the road at New England and Baltimore, has likely been blown away by Vrabel's confidence and composure. He knows Derrick Henry will help him control the clock whenever he needs it, whether the box is stacked with eight guys, nine, or enough for an intentional "too many men on the field" penalty. But just because he rides Henry's steadiness doesn't mean he hasn't wildly deviated from that dull game plan repeatedly, with 100% success rate. When he's needed Ryan Tannehill to make a play, he's made a play.

To Anthony Firkser, a Harvard tight end, for both a touchdown at New England and a near-game-sealing first down to keep TB12 off the field. To Kalif Raymond for 45 yards at Baltimore, immediately after a turnover, the type of throw Tannehill was more likely to catch during his time as a Texas A&M wideout than ever complete during his Miami Dolphins tenure.

Dominating the game, yet only up 14-6, a lead so tenuous that a failure in the red zone could giftwrap Lamar Jackson a comeback, Vrabel took his QB off the field and called for a jump pass (!) from Derrick Henry. It worked with ease. Why would a man make such a bold call so calmly? Unless...he knew...he could not lose.

For he'd already lost so deeply and so personally.

Exhibit B: Stealing Belichick's Thunder

The minute-and-a-half of clock evaporation at the tail end of Titans-Patriots cemented the fact that we were dealing with a different animal here. It showed the world that the Titans were the polar opposite of the 2017 Jaguars, another immensely talented defensive team with a caretaker on offense that wasn't willing to take big swings in big moments in New England. It's tougher to take a bigger, more calculated swing than wasting time with only a one-point lead, still leaving...well, a lot of time on the clock for Brady and Belichick.

Unless, of course, you already know, thanks to mysticism, that you've absorbed your opponent's mojo and become him.

After all, what else could be responsible for a bleeding clock, other than a bleeding co -- you know what? I can't write that.

Exhibit C: The Gait

Has Vrabel been walking normally? He's on the ground an awful lot, isn't he? Like, right here.

Or sometimes, he's hunched over, legs akimbo? With a pained look on his face?

Vrabel coaches like a man who needs a low center of gravity to prevent tipping to one side in moments of anger, gritting his teeth to maintain a power stance amid pain. Or, more specifically, perhaps, he stands like a man without a penis.

This all comes down to what we're willing to accept. This has been a larger-than-life start to January for the NFL. Patrick Mahomes is out here spotting Bill O'Brien 24-point leads before agreeing to decimate him into the unemployment line. George Kittle believes he cannot be tackled, and therefore, seemingly, he cannot be. There's a 6-9, 400-pound man showing up on National Television sometimes without warning just to welcome Bill Cowher into a club. It's been a mind-bending few weeks, and it may all be under the influence of the supernatural.

Believe me if you choose, but there's more than enough evidence out there to draw the same conclusion: Mike Vrabel has already played his trump card, and this postseason was decided in mid-July. Imagine playing an entire cold-weather playoff run without having to worry about shrinkage? This man truly has it all figured out.