Failed Yankees Prospect Attempts to Sue Team for Sabotaging His Career in Unhinged Lawsuit

It doesn't feel great to report on a man who is obviously going through some things, but it's probably time for Garrison Lassiter to hang up the ol' lawyering spikes.

Lassiter is a multi-sport athlete in that he has failed at a wide range of sports, and recently took to the courtroom in an effort to win a massive chunk of money back from a number of parties that have very little to do with his struggles.

In a groundbreaking move sure to be utilized by helicopter parents everywhere, Lassiter, who batted .244 and never made it above High-A in a Yankees career that began in 2008, is suing the organization for $34 million, alleging the team sabotaged his career to help keep Derek Jeter's alive.

That story again: Derek Jeter, a Hall of Famer who may go in unanimously, helped conspire with the Yankees to prevent a .244 hitter from stealing his glory. Yes. Oh, for sure yes.

Lassiter, who put himself through law school and is claiming he now must sleep in his car, calls the Yanks' bias against him “blantanly (sic) obvious,” and alleges they slandered him to other teams, as well. The monster dollar figure he crafted for the suit comes from an estimation of the combined salaries of Dodgers shortstop Corey Seager and ex-Cowboys QB Brandon Weeden, who Lassiter compares himself to (if you can believe it, he was also once kicked off the Miami Hurricanes for lobbying to be the starter, unsuccessfully).

This wasn't Lassiter's only lawsuit of 2019, either. Like a very normal man who isn't grasping at straws, he sued the Cincinnati Reds for $1.635 million (or, three years of MLB's minimum salary) on Dec. 30, in addition to Ricky Proehl's Proehlific Park, an NFL training facility which he swears was unable to get him a pro tryout (once again, not their fault).

Does Lassiter have a case here?! Well, let's ask his manager Aaron Ledesma, who assessed him thusly: “Offensively, he was OK. He was below average. Not much power, didn’t really hit for a high average. Speed-wise, he was below average.”

Damn you, Jeter! Yankee fans could've experienced BELOW-AVERAGE FEVER if not for your efforts of conspiracy!

The Yankees suit was dismissed in May, right as Gio Urshela was establishing himself in the team's infield. Surely, Lassiter has no thoughts on his rise from the ashes.