Haters' Guide to Rooting Against the Cardinals in the 2019 NLCS

Fact: This is the most likable Cardinals team in a half-decade, propped up by exciting rookies and peaking veterans like Paul Goldschmidt and Marcell Ozuna who actually haven't been there before, dispelling the common narrative.

Also Fact: Writing that made me puke.

Because, you see, it's important to note that no fan should ever be sympathetic to a Cardinal rooter after a period of (a relative) lack of success. This is due to the fact that the team's history is chock full of triumph, as well as an unparalleled ability to thrive in the most unlikely of situations, using Devil Magic to knock off far more interesting and deserving teams, time and again. As an impartial fan, I may never forgive them for what they did to the 2012 Nationals.

Yes, led by handsome chud Mike Matheny, who was confirmed by his swift downward spiral to possess almost zero managing chops, the Cards posted the rally of the century, twice working walks down to their final strike, and ripping out the spine of a much more interesting team that felt like the true champs of 2012. This paved the way for...another freaking Giants title. Thank you so much, St. Louis.

And who could forget 2013, when they had no business beating the Dodgers in the NLCS...until they snapped MVP Hanley Ramirez's rib with an errant pitch in Game 1, and then did whatever this was to the Red Sox in the World Series, before meeting their comeuppance.

Inhuman acts.

Of course, I'd also be remiss if I didn't mention the Cardinals winning easily the worst World Series of this century over the Tigers in 2006. Tigers pitchers made five errors in five games, and a young Justin Verlander (who whipped the ball around the field himself) was out-dueled by Anthony Reyes. David Eckstein was your World Series MVP. Aaron Miles was involved. Yay. Eternal memories of this star-studded clash that any sane American slept through.

If you wouldn't rather have watched the Carlos Delgado-Carlos Beltran-Jose Reyes-David Wright Mets in that Series, I'd love to hear from you. Somehow, the Cardinals won this game.

That's why they're the worst. Other teams' most prominent memories are really just Cardinals wins, once the final bell rings.

Which brings us, of course, to Yadier Molina, the remnant who ruins everything.

He homered in that game to secure a Cards victory. He's always homering. He's always doing whatever he has to do. He's a below-average hitter with below-average power who reserves it all for when it matters most. His chest protector is covered in some sort of tar-like substance (it's either Devil Magic again, or full-on cheating).

He's an arbiter of the game and defender of the unwritten rules, but he's also allowed to bat flip from the infield dirt into short right field.

He's going to the Hall of Fame, and no Cardinals fan would trade him for Mike Trout. These are the people we're dealing with here.

It's been six years since we've seen the birds on the bat in the World Series. It doesn't matter. Literally, it can never be the Cardinals.