Rob Manfred Must End Astros Drama by Awarding 2017 World Series Title to Me | ADAM BOMB

As the 2020 MLB season rages towards Opening Day, powered by several regional anti-Astros take cannons coming from the northeast and west, I miss the days when Spring Training was simply a relaxing month to get reintroduced to baseball before the throes of competition ethered all good feelings.

So, with rehabilitating discord in mind, let's get the cloud hanging over the game cleared up once and for all. Commissioner Manfred, I beg you: let's keep things simple, for the good of the sport. Take the 2017 title away from the Houston Astros, and simply award it to me.

I'm a Very Good Guy, and I could really use it.

Commissioner, no matter how you look at it, there's only one path back to the good graces of all baseball fans, and that path involves handing me, a private citizen, the 2017 World Series trophy in a private ceremony.

Unlike the Houston Astros, I pledge my loyalty to the game has never been tainted by an elaborate cheating system, borne of the top levels of my organization. I have never used a trash can for anything other than its intended purpose, save a brief game of hide and seek a decade ago. I have never allowed Carlos Beltran to menace me into doing his bidding. You will find zero Dark Arts in my extensive background check.

Here are a few more facts about myself, in an effort to boost my own candidacy for baseball's highest honor. I have never once consumed anything off MLB's banned substance list. All of my tattoos are good, not bad, and I'd be proud to show off any of them at any time. My girlfriend is not shy at all, and has zero problem with me parading around shirtless on Instagram, National Television, or during a parade. I have no desire to make it into the Baseball Hall of Fame, but we can cross that bridge when the time comes.

If Commissioner Manfred succumbs to pressure and decides to backtrack on his assertion that he wants to keep the trophy in its current place to avoid precedent, he'll be opening up an entire can of worms. Things will get even more hostile. If the Astros' coordinated technological efforts are reason enough to remove a World Series trophy, then what happens if the conclusion of MLB's investigation into the Red Sox reveals they were doing something similar on a smaller scale? Do they lose a few dented flags, and get to keep the base of the trophy?

What about teams who've won World Series on the backs of steroid users? Do they lose their hardware? My strategy streamlines and simplifies everything. No need to go relitigating MLB history. Simply stop with the Astros, take their trophy, and award it to me, someone who has caused very little trouble throughout baseball history.

I promise I'll take very good care of it. I'll even take it out for walks, or share it with Mike Fiers. All I'm asking for is a chance here. And if you wanted to give the 2017 AL MVP trophy to Aaron Judge while you're at it, I won't bat an eye at that, either.