Ryan Fitzpatrick Could Lead the Dolphins in Rushing This Season and I'm Quitting the NFL Forever

That the National Football League is nakedly guilty of insulting the intelligence of its fans is not news. From its restrictive broadcast policies and maddening local blackouts to its willful suppression of past evidence regarding the long-term implications of head injuries and CTE, the NFL practically goes out of its way to earn our profoundest ire. But this latest transgression actually takes the cake. The scornful, blasphemous cake.

Ryan Fitzpatrick has an actual chance to lead the Miami Dolphins in rushing this season. Oh my.

Ffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Look, nobody is going to confuse FitzMagic for Lamar Jackson, or even Joshua Jackson. But somehow, in our pluperfect hellscape of pigskinnification, this aging Florida man is within 15 rushing yards of Mark Walton's team-leading 201.

Walton hasn't played an NFL game in six weeks, having been cut from the team after being charged with aggravated battery. And while the "smart" money would be on Kenyan Drake to trip and stumble forward enough times over these last three weeks to end the season ahead of his QB on the rushing charts, there's no guarantee of this. Because Dolphins.

Due to this teeth-gnashingly inconvenient reality, I'm quitting on football forever in the interest of my long-term mental and emotional health. Good riddance, ye cursed prolate spheroid of existential ruin. I hate you so much.